Inspiration has always been something that never finds me. I'm always lost in thought with nowhere to go.
This has been an incredibly challenging year for me. Things happened that I never thought would and I've been at some extreme highs and incredibly low lows. It's amazing how something like a movie can take me back to winter or the feelings I had in the spring. Spring was okay until it wasn't.
This movie was breathtakingly beautiful. The colors were spot on to my moods, which may seem weird. But, you'd be surprised how a muted green or a Robin's Egg Blue can really take its toll on you. The actresses and main actor were painfully raw at times. Their sunken faces and sad eyes looked right through me and on more than one occasion I had gotten the chills. (I was sitting next to a girl I hardly know, but is someone with whom I feel a strong connection with. This was our second meeting and talking to her is like talking to someone I've known for a few years. She is beautiful and fragile and seemingly strong. She is moving to LA in the upcoming weeks, but I'd like to cherish this friendship, if at all possible.) (I glanced over at her during a few of the heavy scenes and noticed she was crying and seeing someone you don't know cry is one of the strangest, most human experiences I think I've ever felt.)
There are times when I feel so lost. I wake up and go to work. I put on a smile (most days). I answer phones. I help people the best that I know how to. I've always been much better at helping others than helping myself and that's the sad truth. I love listening to problems and giving advice. I've successfully cried at my night job two times now. I practically bawled my eyes out at the feeling of my best friend's touch this past week.
I was in a very bad place (mentally) this past week and I could feel the avalanche of everything coming down at me. It was almost as if I could feel it coming and just wanted to be swallowed up by it. It gets to the point with me, where I just want to give up.
Seeing this movie has had a profound affect on me. I walked out with this girl and we just felt so sad and happy at once. We understood that this is a very hard time in each of our lives.
There were a few scenes that really hit me and it was hard sitting there, while it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It was the feeling of knowing exactly how they felt. Screaming in a field, striking the air, trying to free yourself of every fucking thing that's killing you.
I don't know what's going to happen with g and I. I cannot say that we will ever be okay again, but I know that after seeing this movie, all I wanted to do was come home and lie next to her. To feel the warmth of her skin. To touch her and feel her. To not feel so alone for a few moments. And when I pulled into the empty driveway and walked into the dark house, it was like I was being punched in the stomach again.
I know we're figuring ourselves out and so on, but nights and experiences like this...I want to tell her about them and she's not around. I don't know what to think. I don't like to be home, alone. I miss my dog a lot. I miss love and the feeling of companionship.
I miss who I was when I was small, when the world seemed like an oyster. I want to stare into the sky and watch the clouds move. I want to be a kid again and have my feet not touch the floor of the car. I want a lot of things without complications. I want to know that I'm not alone and that maybe I will meet someone that wants to stay up late and talk until we're blue in the face.
I want to fall asleep as the sun is coming up, when the cardinal hits the window.
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